My Dark Night of the Soul
by Michael Fewson
Psalm 13:1–2 (NIV)
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
I have always been a strong minded and self-reliant person, but the last six months (Nov 2009 – April 2010) have been the most difficult – the worst ever – that I have experienced. It began earlier than this I guess near the end of 2008 when I spent the night at Fremantle Hospital emergency with severe pain. This became a regular occurrence over 2009 along with two major kidney operations and a few exploratory procedures.
Around the time of the latest and most painful/difficult operation I entered into what became a six-month spiritual crisis. Having emerged from it now I am in a position to reflect and hear what the Spirit is saying about this experience. I describe it as “the experience of the absence of the presence of God”. I refer to it as an experience because the reality is that God never did nor does He leave. I know that now, I look back and see His hand keeping me in His love despite ‘feeling’ totally alone.
Union of the Soul with God
John 14:23 (NIV)
23 Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
Before talking of the experience of the absence of the presence of God I want to begin with the end. What is the purpose of God in taking a person through the dark night? Why does God remain silent “hid[ing] your face from me?”
The reply is: “to accomplish perfect union with God in Christ through the Holy Spirit.” The purpose of God is that the elect would know Him. John 17:3 highlights this: “Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.”
To know God perfectly is to be in intimate fellowship with Him, which is only possible for those who have learned obedience. Andrew Murray[1] (1982:22) points out:
Man was created simply to live for God, to show forth His glory, by allowing God to show how completely He could reveal His likeness and blessedness in man… The selfishness of the human heart looks on salvation as simply the escape from hell, with as much holiness as is needed to make our happiness secure. Christ meant for us to be restored to the state from which we had fallen – the whole heart, the whole will, the whole life given up to the glory and service of God. To be wholly given up to God, to be perfect with the Lord our God, lies at the very root and is the very essence of true Christianity. The enthusiastic devotion of the whole heart to God is what is asked for.
The call to holiness is accomplished through the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. And sanctification is the process of the chosen of God, through the Holy Spirit, being ‘conformed to the likeness of His Son” (Rom 8:29).
The Sovereign God requires only this from us; that we would be conformed to the image of His Son, which means to submit without question or reason to His perfect will. When Jesus taught His disciples to pray He began with the words, “Our Father in heaven…” This prayer establishes our relationship with God. He is our Father and we “His son”. So, what is a son of God? Scripture records many heroes of faith (cf Heb 11) but Jesus alone is the example of Son. His witness as The Son of God (Heb 1:1-6) exemplifies not only our relationship with the Father but also how to be a son of God. Every action, every word, every thought from Jesus Christ Son of God was in direct obedience to the will of His Father. The culmination of which is the cross – not my will but your will be done. Jesus lives in absolute obedience to His Father, His whole heart, will and life given up to the glory of God.
The purpose of God in taking me, or indeed anyone, through the experience of the absence of His presence is paradoxically, to produce a deeper union with Him – to produce Christ in me (Gal 4:19).
A friend, Rev Dr John Yates, replying to my first draft of this discourse put it this way: “These truths are in fact of massive pastoral importance, as the stripping away of the awareness of God’s presence, as he sees fit, is the usual means of sanctification. This would help folk come to terms with what it means, actually, how hard it is, for us sinful people to learn to submit to a Sovereign God, who cannot be negotiated with, manipulated, bribed etc.”
The Absence of the Presence of God
I can say that although I experienced the absence of the presence of God, God did not abandon me. This is because actual God-forsakenness – the wrath of God – is the handing of the abandoned one over to themself (cf Rom 1:20-32). The only possible outcome in the state of actual abandonment is to deny God. The words of Job’s wife are in fact the only expression of a truly godforsaken life – curse God and die (Job 2:9). Yet for those who are chosen by God, for those whom He loves, it is impossible for them to ‘curse God and die’. The godforsaken will deny the existence of God or invent their own gods but they cannot embrace the living God. Those chosen by God cannot deny Him.
The amazing thing about the cross of Christ is that apparent contradictions exist yet they do not contradict but reveal the divine nature. God’s forgiveness and mercy do not contradict His justice and righteousness. It is because of His righteousness that mercy can be received. It is because God’s righteous anger, His divine wrath, was poured out at the cross that we can experience His divine mercy and grace. In fact, His wrath at the cross is also the very expression of His love toward us.
At the cross Jesus experienced the absence of God’s presence – “my God, why have you forsaken me” (the cry of abandonment) – yet the Father and the Son were always in total agreement and Jesus was in the absolute centre of God’s will. He became the object of God’s wrath while being absolutely ‘His love’.
God will never remove Himself from those He has chosen, but He does allow some to ‘experience the absence of His presence’ through His silence.
As each day goes by, the Spirit is revealing more of His work in me through the experience of the absence of the presence of God and especially helping my understanding as I have learned that this is not an isolated experience. From Job to David, the apostles to early church fathers, from reformers to modern-day men and women the experience of the absence of the presence of God has spiritual significance for those who are ‘blessed’ with it: “that we might realise afresh our dependence upon God as the source of all life” (Buxton 2001:286).
I found this insight the other day while re-reading “Dancing in the Dark – the privilege of participating in the ministry of Christ” by Graham Buxton (2001: Paternoster Press).
The term “dark night of the soul” coined by a 15th century priest, St John of the Cross, aptly describes the experience of the absence of God’s presence. Buxton speaks of the “dark night of the soul” as:
“…a process in which the soul is held by grace throughout a period of dryness and distaste in order to achieve the sweetness of divine union with God. The Spirit may lead some through this refining process whereby the soul is denied its customary gratification, not as an end in itself but as a means by which the all-sufficiency of God’s grace may be truly apprehended. The darkness of which we speak here has nothing to do with the darkness of the sinful world in which we live; rather, it refers to a wilderness experience in which the individual consents to the purifying ministry of the Spirit.” (2001:285)
This is how it has been described on Wikipedia:
Typically for a believer in the dark night of the soul, spiritual disciplines (such as prayer and consistent devotion to God) suddenly seem to lose all their experiential value; traditional prayer is extremely difficult and unrewarding for an extended period of time during this “dark night.” The individual may feel as though God has suddenly abandoned them or that his or her prayer life has collapsed. It is important to note however that the presence of doubt is not tantamount to abandonment — there is strongly Biblical tradition of authentic confusion before God (Psalms 13, 22, and 34 display King David, the ‘man after God’s own heart’ undergoing serious confusion and anguish at God, yet this is not condemned or mentioned as unfaithful, but rather the only measure of faith that David could have in the face of such withering abandonment).
Rather than resulting in devastation, however, the dark night is perceived by mystics and others to be a blessing in disguise, whereby the individual is stripped (in the dark night of the senses) of the spiritual ecstasy associated with acts of virtue. Although the individual may for a time seem to outwardly decline in their practices of virtue, they in reality become more virtuous, as they are being virtuous less for the spiritual rewards (ecstasies in the cases of the first night) obtained and more out of a true love for God. It is this purgatory, a purgation of the soul, that brings purity and union with God.
I can say unequivocally that I despaired for life itself – not that I thought I was dying or wanted to die but that life was meaningless, a cruel joke. I came to this place because I no longer had the presence of God as I knew it, something that had been with me all of my life, as far back as I could remember – even when I did not live to glorify Him, a state some would call ‘back-slidden’, I was even then conscious of His presence. It was not primarily an absence of ecstatic experience/s but that the ‘still small voice’ was silent – God was no longer real. Like many before me I lost the assurance of eternal life and feared that life had no meaning.
Without even being aware of it, Psalm 13 became my prayer. I cried out to God to return me to that place of knowing – ie to ‘seeing His face’ – or I would “sleep in death” (v5) meaning for me that there was no eternal life.
Psalm 13 (NIV)
1 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
3 Look on me and answer, O Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
for he has been good to me.
What is so amazing – in hindsight and having passed through the experience – is that even in the darkness of the soul I was not abandoned by God. I was still able to cry out to Him; to wrestle as Jacob did with God. And above all He kept me when I felt abandoned.
During the dark night I cried out to God though, like Jeremiah, it seemed my prayers were meaningless.
Lamentations 3:44 (NIV) You have covered yourself with a cloud so that no prayer can get through.
Like Job I pleaded my innocence with God, yet He remained silent. The ‘spiritual disciplines’ of prayer, fasting, study, and praise were all empty. All of my life, when my mind was faithless my heart remained faithful, and yet now it was my heart that seemed faithless while my head fought to be faithful.
My final prayer, my cry of desperation was: God, why have you taken your Spirit from me?
Was this the “breakthrough prayer”? What was the thing that I did to change my situation? Nothing! Looking back I probably prayed this way hundreds of times. I was powerless to trust in God and yet I was powerless to disown Him. I could not rest in the knowledge of His presence nor could I turn or hide from the knowledge of Him.
What did I discover? That the presence of God is far more precious than any earthly gain. Even in the darkest night of the soul, when God seems farthest away, this is when He is the most intimate because His purpose in this time is to bring that person into deeper union with Himself. And what we need to do in any experience of suffering is to submit to His will.
Ultimately, it is our sinfulness that hinders deeper union with God. It is His discipline – especially the discipline of suffering – that is designed to teach us obedience for the purpose of deeper union with Him. Deeper union – spirituality – is not something we can earn or purchase or cajole our way into, it is experienced through the death of self, a death only available through the Spirit’s work.
Hebrews 5:8 (NIV) 8 Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered
Personal Reflection
For me, perhaps the greatest obstacle to a deeper union with God is my need to be strong/self-reliant. Apostle Paul learnt humility through weakness (2Cor 12:7-10) Jesus was crucified in weakness to glorify God. The dark night was for me a time of physical and spiritual powerlessness that left me with no ability to accomplish anything.
What can I say to anyone who finds themself in this dark night of the soul? Surrender! This is a time where the soul is being stripped of its flesh. Stripped of its idolatrous self-interest for the purpose of transformation. One does not come away from this with greater strength or ability or power but with weakness, inability and powerlessness. It is the culmination of being found wanting in every way.
As we mature in God we reach a place where we feel spiritual, knowledgeable, even capable to do all that God requires. The dark night of the soul strips away such self-congratulatory notions leaving one unimpressed with self and wanting only to know Him. Like Isaiah (6:1-8) the experience of God’s presence leaves us ‘ruined’, undone. God’s purification leaves us humbled and gratefully surrendered to His will. His call demands obedience to His Word as a servant.
Final Thought
I still feel in need of ‘intimacy with God’, times of spiritual refreshing that flow from “practicing His presence”, but there is not the doubt and apparent faithlessness that I experienced.
So there we are for now. Let me say that I am more appreciative (though the word is inadequate to express how I feel) of His presence now that I have a sense of the lack of His presence. The sense of joy and relief at being able to experience once again His presence is immense.
What will I now do? Nothing! I have no desire to go, to do, or to speak unless He compels me to go, to do or to speak. Then I will go with desire to obey His will. (That is my prayer at least)
Let’s not presume on His grace.
In His abiding grace,
Michael Fewson
1. Andrew Murray. The secret of God’s presence. Whitaker House Go back